Human.

It’s been a while since I’ve written or posted anything on my WordPress account, but I think now’s a best time to catch up with and understand myself, to reflect, and to express what I feel and speak out what I think.

Everyone is bothered by certain things, but lately as I am bothered I remained silent, unbiased and entitled myself not to get involved but issues, dramas, and any kinds of problems because after certain situations I have learned not to care, live my life on, and to just be me. Besides, I thought, it was not “yet” my place to speak, coz I am filled with fear that people might misunderstand what I say, misinterpret my actions, and be mislead by my intentions. In all honesty, I would’ve said something, I would’ve shared what I know, expressed what I feel, etc., maybe because it feels like there’s something missing.

My family has been great lately, and by tomorrow we’ll be living in our new home, starting life over together. Our relationship towards each other’s great; when my parents ask me to do them something I don’t complain anymore, when my brother asks me to help him with something it doesn’t take a whole hour to argue yet things get and over with without complains, and lastly my relationship with my sister is getting better as we open up our feelings about certain things and have deep talks about them. There things that had been badly tolerated, yet support, love, and comfort is still there.

My workplace is alright, nothing much to complain about because my relationship with my coworkers in and out of work is fine. There are times that we become a little unprofessional with small things but we keep it together and stay positive.

DREAM Dance Company had asked me to come back and dance with them. My first performance back with them will be Lunar/Viet Fest on January 2012. I cannot express more how grateful I feel towards this invitation after all incidents, dramas, and issues that happened before, and I’m truly grateful to be back on the team/crew that I started dancing with.

C2 Genesys is getting bigger and better. This dance team/fam had brought and taught so much to my life. I mean, despite all issues, loss of friends, and personal challenges, I completely admire how this team is still standing strong, and I’m truly grateful and blessed to be part of this family. They had taught me so much things that I didn’t see myself going into from the past. They had provided and taught me to gain confidence, have wisdom & knowledge, share the love of dance, and that self-development that I all didn’t imagine having. A lot of people say that this family’s time is over since a lot of dance teams & crews are stepping their games up and on a whole new level…well faith is faith, and I have so much faith in what this team is about to put out there, and on what this family and group of friends can do, and I’m just happy and blessed being in this family.

Dance is getting be best and worst of me. The ironical inner debate of this statement means that dance is really filling my life and soul in diifferent ways. Music, along with dance creates the different side of me; expressing more of what I feel, speaking out my thoughts, and making me just be me. As introverted as I know I was, through dance I learned to be more social, be open-hearted and be more open-minded, I learned to deliver my message through movements that my body can possibly create, and if impossible, it’s that challenge that I can learn from and try to win. I also learned to incorporate movements that people, which are my dance instructors, teachers and mentors, wants the story to be told as, and how they  want it delivered through their students through different perspectives. Dance had helped me gain confidence, self-development, knowledge, wisdom, and life. It helped me feel more, express more, and live more. It gave me the opportunity to take control, to manipulate myself, and to take the lead. It gave me more heart and soul, as I gave more heart and soul to it.

Though everything seems to be going well and fine, it feels like something’s missing.

I don’t feel “human” lately.

There’s that certain urge in me that I want to give out something I’ve long had, something called love. I want to share my love, feel inspired, feel motivated by someone, and be on the same boat with that person. I’ve been on search, and I’m still waiting for that person to come find each other singing and dancing on the same song, having fun, and just being ourselves, being crazy and loving each other. Though God has better plans for me, it’s good to still feel human and just share the love that I’ve been saving for that person.

- Angel

untitled.

i dont understand how you run your life. maybe i do, but i have a different interpretation.

i wanted to say, i’m glad i met someone like you. someone i could be aware of and not fall for. someone that i can have only as a friend, or someone i know. someone i can just say that “hi-hello-goodbye” converstation with. someone that i may have care for but not anymore.

J.E.F. are his initials. he was my special someone. well, happened to be.

a hoe in the male version. someone i always call “gay”. someone i showed too much care for but ended up rejected coz he knows all that.

honey, there are some things you should know about me. and these are the following:

i care for people i know and i dont know, friend or not friend. i care too much.

i treasure every moment i have with anyone.

i want to spend that much time, as much as possible with a special someone.

i somewhat somehow fall for things easily. i’m sorta gullible.

i dont know why, but everytime i ask you to chill, you flop for some valid reason. it’s understandable. you just met me like a month ago, why would i make efforts of having a fight with you when we dont even know each other that well. we met through a party, a farewell party to be exact, started talking since then, and started chilling, which happened twice.

dont get me wrong dear, i’m really glad i knew you. it’s just that, i turn to like you.

it’s hard for me after that party, we started talking so much by text and i got used to it. like, no time during the day or night that we’re not talking by text. even when we’re both at work, at dance practice, or at parties, we still talk. became open to each other and all that. i miss it.

i miss you.

2 october 2010 was scotiabank nuit blanche 2010. that night that i talked to you on msn and mentioned that i took my time walking outside my apartment under the cold, i told you nothing but i was talking my time thinking about you. i’m sorry, i’m just that into you. it might not make sense, but here’s what i thought of..

the worst thing of falling for a person i barely dont even know is trying to figure out what he feels about me. i wanted to chill with you so i can tell you how i feel, and know what you feel and think about me. i’m that curious. i’ll take in what you think, good or bad. i just want to know. it pissed me off, and still does when you flop, later on i just let it go – what does it if i just keep it in right? i dont want to assume anything in general, yes i know i did in some point and i’m sorry.

for some reason, i hated myself when you bitched at me about your hair. i dont wanna go back to that.

you have so much things to think about than me. i understand.

you have much better things to do – parties, chills with old & new friends, school, work - than chill me with. i understand.

i’ll end it here. i miss you. and i’m sorry.

in-phat-tuation.

sure. i guess that’s what it’s actually is. haha!

i have a little to say about this. it’s about this dude.. he lives far, like pacifically far from me. he’s older for like two or three years. a party boy. maybe a happy go lucky? he plays ball. he often goes clubbing. he listens to aj rafael and passion’s songs. he has a lip piercing. he went to the philippines just months ago. he’s fluent in tagalog (filipino). he loves writing short poetries. he’s (i believe) an every girl’s man (don’t get me wrong). he’s everyone’s friend. he always haves fun. he used to have late night phone calls with me. but we can’t have it now coz he lives far. literally. in vancouver. and i haven’t met him but i love this dude. don’t get me wrong, i love him as like someone i don’t wanna lose. someday somehow i’ll meet him, in God’s will. lotsa hugs. lots of it.

oh man wish he sees this post. i miss that bitch. love you! it’s an ace. (L)

my space.

this is my blog. this is my sorta-kinda diary. this is where i spill all my dirt on certain things. this is where i say what i wanna say coz this is my space.

i’m not gonna let you torture me with all this shit that you throw at me in and out of the fam.. i don’t care who you are, how many you all are, and what you’ll do to me. this is total bullshit. I’LL NAME NAMES IF I WANTED TO, BUT I RATHER NOT COZ I FCKN CARE ABOUT NOT RUINING YOUR NAME IN PUBLIC!

as the continuation of my post a day or two ago (does not really matter when), I GOTTA SPILL THIS SHIT. honey, doesnt really matter if you care or not, but YOU JUST GOTTA LEARN TO HEAR THINGS FROM DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVES!

just months ago i have been dealing with a lot of shit OUTSIDE DANCE. one of them is work, which has been bitching at me with my work schedules, bugging me to work fridays matinee or evening, stop booking off saturdays so i can be cross-trained to another unit. I IGNORED THEM, thankfully i didnt get fired yet, thank God he’s keeping me there.

another is my school, i almost failed a class, had to go to night school to retake a course and deal with all bullshits from presentation partners. going to nightschool wasnt easy coz my parents didnt like the idea of being home always late to the fact that i work and i stay out for dance too.

this triggered more my parents to keep my away from dance. my siblings does not treat me well enough (disrespect) then my parents just stopped supporting me on dance (they did even before coming to canada, since i was 12!). they gave me a choice of quitting my job or quitting dance. IF YOU ONLY KNOW, i didnt quit anything.

another was my relationship towards my friends – we dont see each other more often but during lunch breaks at school or at work (coz some of them works at my workplace too thankfully). it hurts coz we’ve known each other for so long and now we seldom hang out and have fun coz of our personal stuff!

life sucked even more when my family almost broke up in two BY MTHERFCKN LAW! i made a promise not to tell EVERYTHING about this, but to respect my FAMILY’s privacy, i tell you now this is where most of my stress came from!

now.. i’ve been okay for the past days, weeks, and month(s) while dealing with all these. coz i have my dance family, a home and place in the studio, and dance as my way of relief from stress, pain and heartbreak. the leaders, team members, friends, family.. all these are in it. jokes, the fun in dancing, the love, friendship.. all that are there too! i did felt that i had somewhere i belong, to be happy, have fun, and share the same passion to something, which is dance..

days had passed and we had started to practice for an upcoming competition. I INJURED MYSELF while trying to be better on a skill, ending up having chest & upper back pains (i can show you the xray results if you want it). even though my doctor says i’m normal and just had to drink some meds, i have to be careful. i didn’t want this to happen – who does anyways? I ALMOST GAVE UP DANCE BECAUSE OF THIS, BUT I DIDNT AND JUST KEPT GOING.

now you say that i give up easily? honey I DID NOT GAVE UP FIGHTING WITH MY MOM JUST TO DANCE FOR ALMOST 7 YEARS! i was 12 when i started dancing in school, cheerdance to be specific, and my mom was never at my performances then on. she hold me back, i let her do so when she made me stop school for a year in 2007 and brought me to US to study and work for months! i came back to the Philippines hoping i’ll be back in school and dance again, but she didnt let me, she kept me in still! instead, when she’s out from home i go online on youtube and watch breakdance videos and tried to learn from it. when she found out about what i was doing, she stopped me by taking my computer away and live along playing music.. when i came to Canada i get back to it again, huge opportunities came my way and she can’t stop me anymore, instead she just didn’t care and let me live along, which kills me more coz i wanted to show her my love for this.

THEN SOMEONE TELLS ME I’M MORE THAN A FAN THAN A DANCER? you know what, thanks. i may not be the best dancer out here in Toronto, but i try to be better myself. i’m trying to prove something to someone I LOVE with one of the things I LOVE DOING. if you are to criticize me, I WILL NEVER WALK AWAY COZ THIS IS ABOUT ME YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT, BUT YOU BETTER HAVE YOU’RE HONEST AND CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISMS IF YOU DO SO. if you ever try to help me on something, i will stay and listen to everything you say, coz it’s not just me you’re helping with, it’s you yourself by sharing what you know to inspire and motivate people, dont you want that?

PLUS! a fan? as to what i know and how i know it, it’s also known as supporter. AREN’T WE A FAMILY?! where do you FIRST get your first supporters? family right?! we support each other for motivation and whatever, with love and encouragement! think about what YOU said again then tell me YOUR CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM.

me not being in the set for one competition – i’m done with it. i’m okay, seriously. coz i know i’ll be in something better than just this. remember this.. “When God says ‘No’ for an answer, keep in mind that there’s a much greater ‘Yes’ behind it. HIS ‘No’ isn’t a REJECTION, but a REDIRECTION.” maybe it was just not my time to be in something, but i’m happy being part of it. keep that in mind.

now, regarding my attitude. i see tweets, facebook and msn status messages, and i read a lot of talk shitting regarding me and my attitude. i’m not saying you said this but i am not stupid and i am not numb. i may sound paranoid but  i know when you’re talking about me or not. if i seem to react on something that’s not even about me, i may be just fooling around. but if i dont react on something that’s about me, that’s a different case. darling, GOD and MY FAMILY KNOWS ME BETTER THAN YOU DO. if you know me enough like you think, YOU DON’T KNOW ME WELL ENOUGH LIKE THEM. and if you have a problem with me, come to me FACE TO FACE and fckn tell me! it’s between you and me and you don’t have to include the whole world and let them know! only a jackass will do, an asshole and whore does it, feel free to do so if you want to be part of their crowd; not gonna stop you coz it’s you that’s gonna benefit, not me. OH AND THE ACTING UP TOWARDS MY FRIENDS OR TEAM MEMBERS.. explain that to me please coz i don’t even know what that is and i don’t remember doing so. OH AND A SUCK UP? how am i that? explain.

a man told me this days ago, and he inspired me. and i’ll share you what he said..

“People are like that nowadays. They talk, talk, and talk. They can talk as long as they want, on whatever and however ways they want, as long as it’s not about me, I’m okay.”

IF YOU MISINTERPRETED MY ACTIONS TOWARDS DANCING OR MY ATTITUDE, I AM SORRY IF YOU DIDNT UNDERSTAND MY PART OF THE STORY coz you didnt even try to know properly. OH YES! who cares right?! SMH.

“When GOD gives us ‘NO’ for an answer, keep in mind that there’s a much greater ‘YES’ behind it. HIS ‘NO’ isn’t a REJECTION. But a REDIRECTION.”

The Story Behind a Story.

I had been in so much of my commitments lately that it became my priorities ever since summer started. I had been working since last year too, and been dancing in some serious matters since March. But to be honest, I never expected things would go weird & difficult to understand lately..

June 2009, I had started working at my part time job as cashier in a theatre nearby, it was fun coz I had been working with cool and chill people, had good hours, making money for expenses, and at the same time getting myself out of boredom.

Late July / early August, I was invited by a coworker to join his dance crew. It was very glad to be involved in such experience coz I haven’t had it for the past year after leaving the Philippines. Actually, it was two coz my mom kept me in for a whole year with no school and all that to prepare for our move here in Canada.

Late August, I performed with the crew, called D.R.E.A.M. which stands for Dance Revolves Everything Around Me and won as crowd favourite in my theatre’s talent show. Although winning just a trophy, we still did something to show what we do and winning as crowd favourite still means something.

Early September, just before school started there was a Filipino Day at our local amusement park, which I met my friends from other dance crews & teams like C2 Genesys, Fo’Real, Koresthetic, etc. They were amazing, got me inspired on dancing more and improve for my crew, and as a motivation to be better too. The show ended when So Real Cru performed after the competition, it was sick coz they performed two pieces, and one of it was their competition piece for Hip Hop International. It was an awesome day too coz I get to be in Canada’s Wonderland with some people from my crew which is like a crew bonding somehow.

Sometime during school days, some of our team members organized an auditions for highschool team, which is a good thing for me coz they want the crew to continue and live on and keep dancing. DREAM competed for Toronto’s Best High School Dance Crew on October 30 by which they placed 4th amongst a number of crews in Toronto or the GTA. I was so happy when I was watching them coz they were represring their school and hehee carrying on the name of what most of the people of my crew started.

Beforehand, on October 24 there was the very first BeatDown competition here in Toronto. In it’s fors year it was soo intense coz teams, not only in Toronto or in the GTA, crews or dance companies from other territories came to compete, like Sikat Dance Company from Winnipeg, which came 1st place, followed by I Rock With The One from Missisauga, Ontario as second place, and by T.R.U.S.T. By Toronto. All crews gave out their best and showed awesome pieces to the crowed, and ended it up with showcases by Victor Kim from ABDC’s Quest Crew, Kaba Modern’s Mike Song, and Addy Chan.

Mid December, I started coming to classes more, which is held by KOREsthetic dance crew. This was a good experience coz aside from just dancing, I was learning and training myself on dancing through classes.

Late December, my heart broke when my Lolo (grandpa) passed away. He has supported me since I was younger, and when I started playing instruments, and dancing back home. I felt that I lost a part of me, the motivation I’ve been having eversince, and the only person who supports me on everything in his very extent. This I say coz I never felt my parents’ fullest support whenever I’m in stage, dance floor, or whatnot.. I kept going even though he passed away; I kept going to class and didn’t let my parents keep me away from what I love doing – dance. RIP Lolo <3

Early January 2010, I took a workshop hosted by KORE that features Arnel Serrano from Philippine AllStars, JP Amio from Bucc n'Flvr, KORE's very own Dan D. For me, it ws awesome coz I am learning other styles too aside from just KORE's. Other than that, meeting people from other crews are fun too, especially when I'm meeting a member of the Philippine AllStars and learning from them and their style of dancing. One of the best classes I had

Early February, C2Genesys were hosting a monthly workshop at their studio, and this helped me to learn other styles too. Like Mikey Le taught a tutting piece, while my friend, coworker (at that time) and co-DREAM member taught a krump piece. It was such a great time too coz I had my comembers of DREAM (both highschool & outside crew) were there to learn – worth the $10 pre reg

Late February, I had a huge talk with my friend Rondel on our way home from work. I told him I wanted to stop dancing for a bit coz I'm loosing my motivation on it (like my Lolo). He told me to come at their studio and dance with them, ending up that he told one of the leaders that he put me in the team and to dance with them.

Early March, I started coming to their studio and practice with C2 Genesys. Then on it was so much fun coz I felt that I belong to something and welcomed. Sharing what we love and sharing the love for what we do towards another. This started to make me feel that I'm part of their dance family

Early of May 2010, my heart broke again when my mom and dad separated with laws intact. It was hard for me coz having my family was breaking apart.. My dad's not home, my mom doesn't care about us even when she gets home – doesn't even talk to us for no reason. I technically had to feed my 2 siblings and take care of them. I stressed over it coz I'm still going to school and been working as part time too, add to that I had commitments with my dance family. Dance became my outlet of my stress. Later on I started to have consecutive headaches for no reason. I told myself it could be the change of temperature or whatnot, but it went on. I couldn't do homeworks and finish them on time coz I had to sleep it out, I couldn't move much at dance coz I might drop sometime soon, and even at work as well. I had my check ups and my doctor said i'm lacking of sleep. He told me that I need to sleep more, and stop stressing over things – I'm still young for that he says. Sigh, I guess he's right, gotta stop stressing!

Early June I had another best workshops of the year coz FORMALity came in town to teach a workshop. Again, learning their style dancing & style of teaching are huge adjustment coz they're known great dancers and teachers, and this was my first time. This was a good day too coz I spent a great day with the team coz we're learning all at once and we received tons of mental notes from great perspectives of great people, together hearing and taking in what Erik Saradpon is telling us. One word: Inspiring

Late June, old friends from the Philippines came to visit! Actually, they came for more than a visit – chills, workshops, and concert! The Philippine AllStars came all the way here in Torontk for their Canada Concert Tour! C2 Genesys, R.A.W., T.I.T.s, D.R.E.A.M., Bucc n'Flvr, JaeSpillz, Knowa Lazarus, JReyez and a lot more performed at the event. I feel bad coz more performers could've performed, and a lot of people could have made it to watch and meet the AllStars, but couldn't because of the G20 Summit hat happened in downtown core of Toronto. Hopefully, they would come back and redo their tour soontimes.. On the other hand, I had a good time reuniting with old friends too, like Arnel, but especially Josh – it's been two years since we last talked coz after I left the homeland we had no contact anymore, not even on yahoo messanger or friendster or whatnot. Now that we reunited, we have better connections which are through facebook & skype – talking like good old times

At the same time, me and the dance fam had started to practice for our upcoming competition which is BeatDown 2010 on August 21, to where us C2 Genesys and 11 other crews such as BOSS, Fo'Real, Woof Legacy, I Rock With The One, LIVE, Bucc n'Flvr, The Union, Twisted Vybe, Qaotic, Moon Runners, and last year's 1st place Sikat Dance Company are competing against each other. In my opinion, I feel bad coz I will be competing against my friends from other crews, but it's good too in a way that we're showing each other what we're capable of and we practically are sharing the same passion.

Lately, I was trying to be good and trying different things like krump and some other styles. I thought I'll be good but I ended up injuring myself with causing a click on my right chest- shoulder part of my body. I couldn't breath properly and my right arm just suddenly felt numb. I couldn't dance properly and full out coz I was trying to be careful not to hurt myself too much and cause more pain. Next thing I know I won't be dancing in BeatDown which made me sad, but eventually made me feel good coz at that meantime I could recover from my recent pain and get it checked. A week or two after I had it checked and the results were okay, my doctor said just keep going, but don't forget to drink milk for the bones, sleep well and eat properly, and if anything I should drink advil after a meal.

For the past week, July 10-16, I have been dancing nonstop on those days (except Tuesday coz I was working), and haven't had a break yet. Saturday July 10 me and the dance fam took the Tre Armstrong's free workshops downtown, but I had to leave early coz I had work in the evening. Sunday I took a KORE class by Kirby Singian, then Monday took Lenny D's Flavor Shop for the first time (I heard he's soooooooo sick!), then Tuesday I had work so still no break, then Wednesday practice with the team/dance fam then went to Lenny's after, then Thursday & Friday practice with the team.

On the 16th I finally met this awesome choreographer! And on the 17th of July, I had an awesome weekend with the team as we take a workshop along with GRV's Jawn Ha! He gave us massive inspiration and motivation for not stopping and keep on going til we reach our goal. It was honestly proven when we were dancing his routines despite of the heat and having no ac at all. Dancing his Get Outta Your Mind piece, was honestly intense coz lead by our very own Diamond Osoteo, we did not stop dancing his piece until we actually get it and perfected it. Feeling David Forteau's sore body, he still did not stop. Feeling that they were pushing all the way, I didn't stop as well. Even when they were cyphering and David bboyed, despite the pain I have on my chest/shoulder I tried to breakdance for a bit and do some tricks or something, and j ended doing good (as Lista and David said so) at it.

For the span of time that I've been in this dance life and despite of the ups and down, I'm loving it, coz I know people got my back, I got theirs, and He got ours

<3

to what is what.

to what is what.

it’s been a month since all things turned my life upside down. true, life’s good outside home, but what i wanted IS a home.

when grandpa passed away, i lost a piece of me, it’s like i have i lost a friend that listens, a mom that scolds, a dad that cares, and a sibling that teases. i know and i’m glad that he’s up there somewhere, would probably seeing me typing this. hi! <3

days later that i’ve get to know this guy, nice and sweet. understood me although he had all this stuff going on his life too, like work, family, dance and friends. very religious, well-raised and with good etiquette. only thing – he’s shy. lol i’m blessed that i knew him, the world needs more people like him – that’s in my opinion only

a month later, i have a friend who got me involve more into something i love. i didn’t really had much time for dance since i started having night school since february. until now i still felt bad how i missed out and didn’t have much time with my home first and home team, D.R.E.A.M.. but i thank my brother-like and friend Rondel for involving me with C2Genesys. getting both this teams together are like more than just teams to me – more like two families in one. i love the feeling how i’m having fun with all of them. <3

i didn’t know how things will turn my life upside down. i don’t wanna say this straight but i feel like i lost another part of me – my actual family. true, i’m getting closer to my siblings. true, i’m loving my outside life. true, i seem happy more often now. but hey, not all smiles are real – most of them are fake. for this month of may 2010 my home turned into nothing – and turned into pieces. what i wanted now if just to put them all back together like it used to, like nothing bad ever happened during that month.

it hurts when i argue with my sister about how life is and not supposed to be. it hurts when i fight with my mom when we disagree. it tears me apart seeing how the men in my life cries for help and just cry to me..

two days ago i saw my him eating in front of his friends, but they’re not talking. i felt stupid how i’m having fun with my friends while he’s all quiet when he usually is the loud among us. i checked up on him, asking if he needs something to drink, i know deep in him he’s crying. when i left i noticed myself crying. fck it.. i just wanted to hug him..

it breaks my heart how i know we’re all broken. :’( </3

11 March 2010.

I can’t think of anything to put as a title but hmm might as well put the date instead.. Wow, It’s been so long since I wrote here, and now I’m pretty much in the mood, might as well write as I possibly can. dun dun dunnn!

Yesterday when I told my best friend about what I recently been feeling towards life – social life to be specific -  it made me think of something.. Today, when I was on my way home from this even from this school called Loretto College Presents: Give Peace A Dance, it made me realize a lot of things. I’ll break it down bit by bit, so here it goes..

About Friends. Yes, I might have a lot of friends, but only few are true and cool with me, most are just friends that’s here for now. I didn’t care, well, I don’t want to care coz first, I will just stress myself on thinking of fitting myself in. How can I say so? Well, in my circle of friends at school, I’ve realized that I tried “so hard” on trying to fit myself in that circle, to where I can actually find my way to others, to whom I’m actually cool with. I miss them though, I miss hanging with them. I miss those chill times, and I miss those fun moments. But oh well, things just suddenly come different as day passes by. People, too, change.. Agree? Another thing, I don’t mind being on my own, coz that’s how I learn to be independent. That’s how I realize things with just my own understanding, and my own sightings about what I see, hear and feel – get my point though? There are a lot of things that I can’t do when I’m with some of them, like dance, sing, or whatever. In other words, I can’t be me when I’m with them. Really. What I’m trying to have right now, is to find where I really belong to; if I’m off by myself, fine. But if I find my real home, I’ll be grateful. What am I really looking for? A family. This are those friends that I can have, to where that I can actually be me, and do what I love and like doing. Being me, coz I don’t like it when I’m putting limits on what I do, say and think. It’s like holding my real self for good impression on people. Well, sorry that can’t be me now. If you really are my friend, you’ll accept me on my best and on my worst. Coz I don’t wanna waste any minute on you, coz there’s more people out there who deserves me and the friendship than you do. Done!

About Family & Home. I’ve been out a lot, like A LOT lately. I don’t have so much time when I stay home. Lately I realized, that I only come home for food, sleep, and change of clothes, coz I have night school, work and dance at night. I don’t mind, coz I got used to being out so much, and I like it that way, though my parents are so against to it. True that I haven’t done so much chores at home, and I haven’t had any help even when I’m home, it’s the sake of resting too right? I might be being selfish right now, and I’m sorry, but it’s just a way that I’m a kind of person that doesn’t wanna stay in one place the entire time, and add to that I’m a kind of person who wants adventure. Lots of journey, lots of exploring to do, and don’t even wonder having night school to the east end was my choice, by which where I’m close to the west end night school and should be going there. Rawr!

About Love Life. I’ve been okay when it comes to this. Single, but my heart is taken. Well, again. I don’t know, maybe I’m not sure of this, but it may be real in some certain ways. We don’t know, we ain’t sure of it, but only God knows about it.. Okay so I’ve been having a crush on this guy for months – that’s something that not supposed to be said in public but OH WELL. Lately I’ve thought that maybe, he knew or felt or somebody might have told him that I have a crush on him, or most likely like him. But “crush” and “like” are both different things, although both almost mean the same but they are both different by concept. Honestly, I don’t mind, neither care if he knows, but as long as there’s no awkwardness in the room, I’m good.. Today, I saw a friend that I met before through him, by which when I came to chill with him that night, he introduced me to her & her to me, and even made a bet that she’ll flop on our chill. On that story, she didn’t flop at first, but when we reached our place to chill, she flopped, so basically we both won and lost on the bet, like no bet had happened. No matter, it was jokes and fun but yeah.. She reminded me of it and it reminded me of him. And reminding me of him just made me miss him more. It’s gay, yes I know, and no I don’t care.. I want to chill with him again, longer than before probably. Chill is different from date, like having a crush and liking someone.

DONE ! – I guess.

I thought, that the title should be “Oh well“. – Hahaaa!

There’s a song in my head that I keep on playing on my iPod. Here’s the lyrics, and the link to the song if wanna hear it. Peace

Think Of You - Taj Jackson

( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QkoffPX4hjM )

I miss you babe
girl i know i been busy didn’t get to talk
but don’t let your head play them games with your heart
its been a little crazy doing what i do
but i just cant wait to get home with you
i know its been hard me not being there
baby i don’t want you thinking that i don’t really care
and i know that your feeling like i’m being unfair
but your love is with me everywhere

when i dream i think of you
breath i think of you
all day i think of you
give all my love to you my baby boo
swear its true all i do is think of you
when i pray i think of you
far away i think of you
all day i think of you
my heart belongs to you my baby boo
yes its true all i do is think of you

always say i love you before i go to sleep
if i die before i’m awake then i take your love with me
every second i’m away from you feels like misery
cuz i know where i really want to be
i know its been hard me not being there
baby i don’t want you thinking that i don’t really care
and i know that your feeling like i’m being unfair
but your love is with me everywhere

when i dream i think of you
breath i think of you
all day i think of you
give all my love to you my baby boo
swear its true all i do is think of you
when i pray i think of you
far away i think of you
all day i think of you
my heart belongs to you my baby boo
yes its true all i do is think of you

what do you do when you love someone so much
you’ll do almost anything just for one touch
trying to make an excuse just to get away
that’s the way i feel about you baby
when i leave do you know what i go through
it makes me cry every time cuz i miss you
and i hope you feel the same way too
cause all i do is think of you

(2x)
when i dream i think of you
breath i think of you
all day i think of you
give all my love to you my baby boo
swear its true all i do is think of you
when i pray i think of you
far away i think of you
all day i think of you
my heart belongs to you my baby boo
yes its true all i do is think of you

*Even if this may just be some imaginary love. Whatever.

Flip.

It’s been so long since I wrote or posted a note here. Now I’m back with thoughts that I want to speak out to live as said. Now here goes.

December 2009 : “Un-Christmas-ed”

I love Christmas season, I really do, or maybe did, especially when I had it in the Philippines. The everynight carolings, the Simbang Gabi (Aguinaldo Mass) everynight, weekly family and friends gatherings, the Noche Buena (Christmas Eve dinner), the giving of gifts (not really necessary if you ask me), colourful lights everywhere, etc. Last year was fine, coz I was with my whole family, trying to do the same things, but very different, though the usual are done, like exchanging presesnts, gatherings, etc. But this year’s not really as good last year’. So elt me break it down a bit: 25 December 2009 My family called our relatives back in the Philippines and get to greet a Merry Christmas to them. The conversations went well with everyone, except to my grandpa coz he’s sick and we wanted to give him more time to rest, so we had to cut him off early. 26 December 2009 My family and some family relatives went out for a movie. I didn’t really felt the good vibes of that day, but yeah I think they had fun (don’t ask me why). 27 December 2009 It was almost 8 in the morning when I heard my dad came in the room crying and said that my Auntie Cel from New Jersey, my dad’s older sister, called that their other older sister, Auntie Anne, texted her saying that my granpa, their dad, just passed away. I jumped off my bed tried to calm my dad down. We all gathered, crying. Everything changed in just a snap of a finger. It was weird, I didn’t get to focus that day at work, which took me the whole week. And to take things out of my head, 29 December 2009 I get to chill with someone special. Though we barely knew each other, he helped me put my chin up and move on. I didn’t care, I just needed a time off from home, coz if I stayed home, I’ll be more down and sad, more like mad at myself coz I didn’t get to do much of good things to my grandpa. He told me that it’s a good thing coz I’m doing something for it than nothing. He made me smile, made me laugh as well; made me forget what happened for a while. I thought of it as a very special day, that I couldn’t, and wouldn’t dare to forget.

Early January 2010 : “Flipped”

A new day, a new year, and a “new beginning”. Well, not really, not for me. No new beginning happened to me coz although I had a very great time with that special someone, I started my New Year roughly. In general, I was most of the time out from home, like coming home late and staying out late. It’s coz I was still trying to get things out of my head after all that happened; it even haunts me until then. I wasn’t slacking so much in school when classes returned, not as much as I did for the past year, or month. I didn’t sleep in class, I studied for quizzes and tests, and I handed in my due works on time. I don’t know what has got into me, but it’s okay, at least I got better than before. I was okay at work, had less shifts because of volleyball. I got better at volleyball though, a power/hitter and sometimes a setter, but most of the time back power/receiver. It was cool, I had things to do to get things out of my head. But what I didn’t worry about much was my friends, and my chill times with them. I had less time with them, but they (I think) were okay with it coz they mostly likely busy about their own things. Like boys, school, etc. We’re good, it’s just that when I get my volleyball done, I have to make moves to get them back. I can probably handle it. I hope so though.. Dance was awesome this month, it flipped my whole mood after a while. I have dance twice a week now, but not with my home team. I feel bad not being with them, but as long as volleyball ends, I’ll try my very best to get things back on track, especially with my friends, my work,my family, my home dance crew, and my dancing. It all happened on meeting new people in classes, I met and get to know this guy named Kelvin and had sessions with him every Wednesday, which starts an hour right after my volleyball practice/game, which doesn’t really intervine any of my schedules at all, plus I get to practice and get better. Every Sunday I go to classes for dance, which helps me get better too, and I’m just so glad for that. And speaking of that class, that’s how I met that special someone of mine. Not saying more about him, only that he’s different amongst the guys that I met. He’s more of a man than a guy. He’s got almost everything I needed for a man: my “Mr. Perfect” (though ain’t true, but it’s just a term to call it). I had one before him, but I gave up coz he’s into someone else and they’re getting to the point of being together, and I don’t want to get in their way, then I met him. Different, that there’s no doubt  that he is in a very good way. God knows how, only faith can tell.

Late January 2010 : “Weird. Werd. Word.”

It’s exams already, I had to study. I was stuDYING, can you believe it? Nah, I’m joking. I had to, it’s for university Biology and Chemistry. It’s my fault that I’m gonna fail either or both of those classes, coz I’ve slacked the whole semester (well, 1/3 of it, coz I tried to be better after Christmas break). Right after exams are such a slack! A flop! I don’t like it. Plans keep flopping. UGH! I just hope that this coming month of February, it won’t be much of a flop month like December & January. I wonder what February got in store for me? Hoping for a better! Welcome semester 2! Goodbye volleyball! Hello chills! Hello dance! Hello.. man? (Feb14! Who’s gonna be my Valentine date? Hmm I wonder..) LOL

***all me, in different roles***

the chillage girl

the dancer

the crushing-on-him girl ^_^

the school girl

volleyball girl

RIP♥

Longer they’ve known you,
Shorter that I’ve realized.
That On top of everything,
You became the Least,
Though It’s too late, this note is for yOu.

When Danger comes into place,
You Always keep us close.
When No one keeps us company,
You stay In-touch.
Evertime that it’s quiet,
You make Loud sounds so random.

When Great things fall,
You’re Always there to keep us up.
Supporting, like everything’s a Race in this life.
Could have asked for more,
But It’s too late,
You’re gone, and up Above with God now.

**This song came to my mind and now I want to share.

Well Done by Passion

Sometimes I dont understand
Why I thought that I had
All the time in the world
To go and see you awhile
For just a little while.

Too caught up in my own life
I didn’t see the pain you hid with a smile
And now you’re not here with me
Shoulda been, coulda been, woulda been, alright

Wish I knew how to turn back the hands of time
Cus maybe then you’d be here by my side
Wish that I had done just a little more
Wish that I could see you one more time
But I know that God holds your life
Your battle is finally won and he said well done
My faithful servent well done

Too many times in our lives
do we take things for granted
I dont understand it, no
When its right in front of our eyes
Thinking they would be here for all times

Wish I knew how to turn back the hands of time
Cus maybe then you’d be here by my side
Wish that I had done just a little more
Wish that I could see you one more time
But I know that God holds your life
Your battle is finally won

Wish that I had done just a little more
Wish that I could see you one more time
But I know that god holds your life
Your battle is finally won
Wish I knew how to turn back the hands of time
Cus maybe then I’d be here by your side

Wish that I had done just a little more for you
Wish that I could see you one more time
But I know that God holds your life
Your battle is finally won
And God said well done

Daniel Garcia Jr. (January 15, 1930-December 27, 2009)
We’ll keep you and your memories in our hearts. I love you and I miss you Lolo. ♥

Future Love ♥

Future Love by Kristinia Debarge

[Verse 1:]
A couple of years
and I’m gonna know your name,
it’s like I waited for you forever,
and I know this might sound insane
but it won’t be long,
til’ we’re gonna take this up
what I’m talking about, our future love

It’s so far away,
and baby you’re right next door
got me picturing your face again
something worth waiting for
I put all others behind me,
they don’t live up
I know what I want, what I need, to the T

[Pre-Chorus:]
Baby if they ask me
I would say I don’t even know your name,
and when they ask me,
does it change,
no it don’t change a thing
’cause it’s something about the way you love me
and it’s something about the way you know me
that I can’t explain enough…

[Chorus:]
Just something about our future love, future love, future love
Something about a future love, future love, future love

[Verse 2:]
Walking hand in hand,
going on the second date,
I can picture how we’re touching
and the kiss I can almost taste
I imagine the all the ways
we meet for the very first time,
I can see the place, feel the love, at first sight

[Pre-Chorus:]
Baby if they ask me
I would say I don’t even know your name,
and when they ask me,
does it change,
no it don’t change a thing
’cause it’s something about the way you love me
and it’s something about the way you know me
that I can’t explain enough

[Chorus:]
Just something about our future love, future love, future love
Something about a future love, future love, future love

[Bridge:]
I know, the minute you pull up next to me
we standing there like destiny
When it feels like you’re fighting just to breathe, that’s when you know..

The minute I pull up next to you
suddenly you don’t know what to do,
everything inside you says that I’m the one

[Pre-Chorus:]
Baby if they ask me
I would say I don’t even know your name, (dont even know)
and when they ask me,
does it change,
no it don’t change a thing
’cause it’s something about the way you love me
and it’s something about the way you know me
that I can’t explain enough. [2x]

[Chorus:]
Just something about our future love, future love, future love
Something about a future love, future love, future love

Future love, future love, future love,future love

:]

I’m not really inlove or anything, but this song just struck me for some reason. Admiration much, more like a crush or maybe something else. I met this guy for the first time, didn’t really talked, he taught the dance class that I came for, then I found him CUTE! That’s no valid reason, I know. But what I felt exactly is that when he was doing his solo, while hitting his moves, I felt like I melted when he looked at me straight in the eye. Though I don’t really wanna give any meaning to it, but yeah that’s just what I felt. It’s probably some crush by a little girl towards an actor playing Romeo in a movie.