this is my blog. this is my sorta-kinda diary. this is where i spill all my dirt on certain things. this is where i say what i wanna say coz this is my space.

i’m not gonna let you torture me with all this shit that you throw at me in and out of the fam.. i don’t care who you are, how many you all are, and what you’ll do to me. this is total bullshit. I’LL NAME NAMES IF I WANTED TO, BUT I RATHER NOT COZ I FCKN CARE ABOUT NOT RUINING YOUR NAME IN PUBLIC!

as the continuation of my post a day or two ago (does not really matter when), I GOTTA SPILL THIS SHIT. honey, doesnt really matter if you care or not, but YOU JUST GOTTA LEARN TO HEAR THINGS FROM DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVES!

just months ago i have been dealing with a lot of shit OUTSIDE DANCE. one of them is work, which has been bitching at me with my work schedules, bugging me to work fridays matinee or evening, stop booking off saturdays so i can be cross-trained to another unit. I IGNORED THEM, thankfully i didnt get fired yet, thank God he’s keeping me there.

another is my school, i almost failed a class, had to go to night school to retake a course and deal with all bullshits from presentation partners. going to nightschool wasnt easy coz my parents didnt like the idea of being home always late to the fact that i work and i stay out for dance too.

this triggered more my parents to keep my away from dance. my siblings does not treat me well enough (disrespect) then my parents just stopped supporting me on dance (they did even before coming to canada, since i was 12!). they gave me a choice of quitting my job or quitting dance. IF YOU ONLY KNOW, i didnt quit anything.

another was my relationship towards my friends – we dont see each other more often but during lunch breaks at school or at work (coz some of them works at my workplace too thankfully). it hurts coz we’ve known each other for so long and now we seldom hang out and have fun coz of our personal stuff!

life sucked even more when my family almost broke up in two BY MTHERFCKN LAW! i made a promise not to tell EVERYTHING about this, but to respect my FAMILY’s privacy, i tell you now this is where most of my stress came from!

now.. i’ve been okay for the past days, weeks, and month(s) while dealing with all these. coz i have my dance family, a home and place in the studio, and dance as my way of relief from stress, pain and heartbreak. the leaders, team members, friends, family.. all these are in it. jokes, the fun in dancing, the love, friendship.. all that are there too! i did felt that i had somewhere i belong, to be happy, have fun, and share the same passion to something, which is dance..

days had passed and we had started to practice for an upcoming competition. I INJURED MYSELF while trying to be better on a skill, ending up having chest & upper back pains (i can show you the xray results if you want it). even though my doctor says i’m normal and just had to drink some meds, i have to be careful. i didn’t want this to happen – who does anyways? I ALMOST GAVE UP DANCE BECAUSE OF THIS, BUT I DIDNT AND JUST KEPT GOING.

now you say that i give up easily? honey I DID NOT GAVE UP FIGHTING WITH MY MOM JUST TO DANCE FOR ALMOST 7 YEARS! i was 12 when i started dancing in school, cheerdance to be specific, and my mom was never at my performances then on. she hold me back, i let her do so when she made me stop school for a year in 2007 and brought me to US to study and work for months! i came back to the Philippines hoping i’ll be back in school and dance again, but she didnt let me, she kept me in still! instead, when she’s out from home i go online on youtube and watch breakdance videos and tried to learn from it. when she found out about what i was doing, she stopped me by taking my computer away and live along playing music.. when i came to Canada i get back to it again, huge opportunities came my way and she can’t stop me anymore, instead she just didn’t care and let me live along, which kills me more coz i wanted to show her my love for this.

THEN SOMEONE TELLS ME I’M MORE THAN A FAN THAN A DANCER? you know what, thanks. i may not be the best dancer out here in Toronto, but i try to be better myself. i’m trying to prove something to someone I LOVE with one of the things I LOVE DOING. if you are to criticize me, I WILL NEVER WALK AWAY COZ THIS IS ABOUT ME YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT, BUT YOU BETTER HAVE YOU’RE HONEST AND CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISMS IF YOU DO SO. if you ever try to help me on something, i will stay and listen to everything you say, coz it’s not just me you’re helping with, it’s you yourself by sharing what you know to inspire and motivate people, dont you want that?

PLUS! a fan? as to what i know and how i know it, it’s also known as supporter. AREN’T WE A FAMILY?! where do you FIRST get your first supporters? family right?! we support each other for motivation and whatever, with love and encouragement! think about what YOU said again then tell me YOUR CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM.

me not being in the set for one competition – i’m done with it. i’m okay, seriously. coz i know i’ll be in something better than just this. remember this.. “When God says ‘No’ for an answer, keep in mind that there’s a much greater ‘Yes’ behind it. HIS ‘No’ isn’t a REJECTION, but a REDIRECTION.” maybe it was just not my time to be in something, but i’m happy being part of it. keep that in mind.

now, regarding my attitude. i see tweets, facebook and msn status messages, and i read a lot of talk shitting regarding me and my attitude. i’m not saying you said this but i am not stupid and i am not numb. i may sound paranoid but  i know when you’re talking about me or not. if i seem to react on something that’s not even about me, i may be just fooling around. but if i dont react on something that’s about me, that’s a different case. darling, GOD and MY FAMILY KNOWS ME BETTER THAN YOU DO. if you know me enough like you think, YOU DON’T KNOW ME WELL ENOUGH LIKE THEM. and if you have a problem with me, come to me FACE TO FACE and fckn tell me! it’s between you and me and you don’t have to include the whole world and let them know! only a jackass will do, an asshole and whore does it, feel free to do so if you want to be part of their crowd; not gonna stop you coz it’s you that’s gonna benefit, not me. OH AND THE ACTING UP TOWARDS MY FRIENDS OR TEAM MEMBERS.. explain that to me please coz i don’t even know what that is and i don’t remember doing so. OH AND A SUCK UP? how am i that? explain.

a man told me this days ago, and he inspired me. and i’ll share you what he said..

“People are like that nowadays. They talk, talk, and talk. They can talk as long as they want, on whatever and however ways they want, as long as it’s not about me, I’m okay.”

IF YOU MISINTERPRETED MY ACTIONS TOWARDS DANCING OR MY ATTITUDE, I AM SORRY IF YOU DIDNT UNDERSTAND MY PART OF THE STORY coz you didnt even try to know properly. OH YES! who cares right?! SMH.

“When GOD gives us ‘NO’ for an answer, keep in mind that there’s a much greater ‘YES’ behind it. HIS ‘NO’ isn’t a REJECTION. But a REDIRECTION.”